Fog

It came like a wall. Wanting to envelope me and take complete control over me. It felt familiar, like an old friend, but not a friend you enjoy being around. The friend that you can’t seem to get rid of, that’s always there whether you want them to be or not. Maybe friend is not right, but someone that is familiar and close and won’t go away. Yet I couldn’t identify the wall.

It touched me, and my body shook, I was afraid and I was almost crushed.

Then I started to understand what it was. The wall was a fog, dark, damp and thicker than any jungle. I used to live in that fog. It tainted everything I did. The darkness clouded my sight; I could never see far, only near, and only the bad, never the good. The dampness seeped like fear into my bones and held me, paralyzed, afraid to fail. The despair was thick, coating me like oil; staining, suffocating, weighing me down. Despair was the stuff that held the fog together.

Despair was touching me and wanted me to submit to its rule of darkness.

But this time I could see. The fog was there, I was not in it. I had a choice. You might think it odd that I would consider embracing the fog, but remember, this is my old friend. I may not always like him, but I know him. I may not enjoy him, but I am comfortable with him. The comfortable often becomes us even when it is not good for us. I considered, and I chose the uncomfortable. I shouted out my old friend.

The darkness started to fade and as the Son shined brighter the cold dampness burned away. I embraced the Sons rays and basked in the light. There is no darkness that can stand before the Son.

My Jungle

I thought it would be fun to share some pics from my jungle
this is the house where I grew up
my dad built it from the ground up

Klokio, the oldest man in my village

dinner

a house in the neighborhood

a bridge we built when the old one got washed out

when it rains it pores

one of our many beautiful sunsets

the sounds of a peaceful night in the jungle
I miss the jungle noises so much
for a long time it was hard to sleep without them


Just a little walk down memory lane, hope you enjoyed the pics

Mostly forgotten

Behind closed doors no one sees
closets, cellars, attics and old sheds
old memories, some cherished, some haunting, left behind...
mostly forgotten

What will I find in my cellar
fears, hopes, lost love, regrets, deep hurts
locked away in silence behind doors rarely opened...
mostly forgotten

Its dark there, messy and cluttered
no ones goes there, i won't let them
what will they see, they might find the me that I want...
mostly forgotten

Outside closed doors, you'll find things neat, tidy
everything fits in its place, just where I want it
no questions, nothing questionable, I am...
mostly forgotten

The hidden things are ugly, unwanted, who would want them
if I can't love them, who can
will they stay forever...
mostly forgotten

I feel a need to open the door
to bare the cellar of my soul
I don't want to be forever...
mostly forgotten

Maybe if the hidden things are brought out
fears can be assuaged, hopes renewed
lost love found, regrets put to rest, hurts comforted, and I won't be...
mostly forgotten

Only one truly knows all that lays behind closed doors
He sees all that I fear to expose
He tells me that I am not...
mostly forgotten

but remembered forever

Don't worry I'm not turning this into a blog about my poetry, I just happen to feel a bit poetic these last couple weeks. I'm not used to sharing poetry, it makes me feel a little dramatic and mostly insecure, but I hope you enjoy it. There may be more in the future, depending on my mood. I don't feel poetic very often, but it does happen on occasion. So we'll just see what happens...

I cry why...

Breaking Down

aching, breaking, feeling the pain
why does it have to be this way?
writhing, screaming, punching
emotion takes over

darkness falls on me, I cry out, why?
falling deeper into blackness
until I break
I cry, not why, but
save me, I'm so lost
who can save me?

He is there, this mystery that I can't see
why should He care, why is He here with me
I thought I was alone in the dark
He whispers to me, you'll never be alone
I am always here with you

Roller Coaster Adventures

I remember the last time I rode a roller coaster. It was a long time ago, but I remember it clearly. The anticipation as I waited in the long, slow line, that inched forwards. The excitement as I got closer to the ride, and the rush as I was locked in and the car started to move forward. There was no turning back and I was a little scared but very excited for what was coming next.

Click, click, click, I was slowly pulled to the top and stalled, for that brief second I was on top of the world, and then I lurch down with a rush to the bottom, falling with my stomach in my throat. In the end I pull safely to the platform and disembark with another fun experience to remember.

Why is it that when we say we're on an emotional roller coaster it has this bad connotation? I don't quite understand it, but this does seem to be the commonly understood meaning of the phrase.

I want to change that...

I've been on an emotional roller coaster, but though it is scary at times, I wouldn't trade it for the world. We don't pay exorbitant amounts of money at amusement parks to ride, "The Tallest Coaster in the World!" because it sucks. Its an experience-exciting, scary, intense and ultimately good. So let me explain my new definition of an emotional roller coaster.

Life can be, or I guess it just is, crazy. It is inevitable that we will go up and down and be thrown around in every which direction as we go through life. Thinks will be exciting, intense, scary- even sad and painful at time; but ultimately, as believers we know that God is good and has a plan in it all. As we are thrown about and don't understand what is going on, or where we will be going next, we can rest in the safety of God's faithful hands. Just as we rest in the safety of the car and the rail that it rides on. God is in control and He will guide us safely to our destination. We don't have to fret and worry about the ups and downs because He will bring us safely home.

Trust God as you ride your emotional roller coaster, and instead of scary or bad, you may find you're on an adventure instead.

Then I Look Up

I'm going to start posting more than just my pet stories on my blog. This is a song I wrote a couple months ago.

Then I Look Up

Standing in a field feeling so empty lost and alone
My sin condemns me my fears choke away my life
My pride holds me captive, I don't want to give in
I am afraid to trust

Then I look up, I feel the breeze, take in the sky
I see the truth, I feel hope rise, rise

He made me, He loved me, He died for me,
He fills me, never leaves me, and leads me into life, life

The beauty and power begin to reveal an awesome Creator
Who made all things right in His plan
My pride can not stand in His presence
Now I can trust

He made me, He loved me, He died for me,
He fills me, never leaves me, and leads me into life, life

This song is about how creation reminds me over and over again how God is in control and I am nothing when I stand before Him. Yet He loves me and has sought me out. When I find myself doubting or questioning Him I look at the beauty and perfection of what He's made and find myself humbled and reassured.

A random animal story thrown in for the heck of it...

One fine morning, deep in the jungle, a loud noise erupted outside my bedroom window, awaking me from sound sleep. Several of my friends were hooping and hollering and going on louder than my friend Tommy in the morning (not an easy feat). I dragged myself out of bed to investigate and discovered the reason for their intense excitement. A very tasty meal had all but fallen into their laps. My friends were all gathered around a tree looking up at a python writhing and squirming because it had chosen an indigestible meal. Apparently the python had snuck up on a bird with a very large beak and tried to snag it as a little snack. The problem was the bird didn't go down without a fight. While it was being swallowed whole it used its beak and poked a hole through the side of the python in a very resourceful, albeit futile, escape attempt. My friends thought this was amazing luck because now they got to eat a python and a bird and they didn't have to spend even five minutes hunting either one (remember this is a jungle, we eat these kind of things regularly). All in all a very exciting experience and just the beginning of another crazy day in the jungle.