Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Thankgiving Traditions

Usually this is the time of year where I start to slide into depression. It's holiday season; mandatory parties where I have to dress up and contribute food items, obligatory random gift giving where no one ever really gets what they want and family time without my family. So many things to get excited about. If you know me you realize that I'm joking about most of these things but it is true that these have often been a couple of rough months for me in the past.

The main thing that I get pulled into is self pity over the fact that I don't have a typical or normal family (in reality the family I want is probably not normal, and my family is maybe too normal for my liking). I'm not getting down on myself for feeling lonely or acknowledging some of the hurt that it legitimately there but I am saying that I don't want to be controlled by my past anymore.

I suppose my family has some sort of Thanksgiving tradition, though none really stand out in my head. Maybe the only one that has been important to me is that there must be really good food to enjoy with those closest to me (particularly mashed potatoes). As I learn and grow I've started to realize that I can start my own traditions. This is part of growing up and being my own person. It's also part of being a man of God, choosing to separate myself from my past traditions/behaviors and move towards what God has called me to do.

I'll keep you posted on my new traditions this holiday season...

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Waking Up

This morning I had one of those experiences that I'm sure many of you have had; it feels like waking up from a dream, a moment of revelation and clarity that makes you wonder. As I received God's grace and I was flooded with peace the absurdity of my actions struck me. Why did I stay away from the only person who really gets me, the only One who can truly understand me? He is the Person I can trust more that anyone else because He always wants what is best for me.

Before that moment I felt stuck and miserable and empty and I've been there for a while and I stayed there by choice. I knew the truth but I was unwilling to humble myself to receive that amazing grace. On this side of it I marvel that I stayed so long in such a miserable and yet curable state. Bottom line I'm praising God for helping me to finally see what was going on and go back to His open arms. Praise God for His grace.

I'm still learning about grace. A part of me still doesn't believe. I slipped back into that old rut where I am convinced that something free is too good to be true and love must always be earned. I struggle to know that God's love can be trusted.

Little by little He is showing me that even when I pull back and spit on His out stretched hand He still won't reject me. It really doesn't matter what I do, He will always love me the same. It is His nature to love. Piece by piece He is winning over my reticent heart.