Gravity by Shawn McDonald was just playing on the radio and his words capture how I feel...
I want to fly
Into the sky
Turn my back on this WHOLE world AND
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It's got nothing for me
Only leaves me with emptiness
And tears in my eyes
There really is nothing here for me and yet I live like this world is it. I live for these fleeting moments and feelings that float away and are empty and nothing...
I long to live for more than this. Something real. I hate the fact that I buy into these lies and actually believe that this world is my home. If you look at my actions and study my choices you will find that I've swallowed it all hook line and sinker. I talk about greater things, eternal perspective, hope of glory, future rewards, heavenly mindedness...and I live earthly bound.
Bound is how I feel. Bound by chains holding me down, weighing me with worldly hopes, worries and fears. I'm coated in this filth that has seeped into my pores and weighs down my body. I'm starting to see it for what it is...sin. My lack of faith is sin.
I can't help but see it this way. If I really trusted God would I worry about money? If I know that He cares so much and wants whats best for me wouldn't I spend more time with Him? Would I ever leave His presence? Where would I go? What could be better than spending time with the One who rescued me, freed me, provided for me, taught me, gave me hope and changed my life? Do I really believe that He has done all these things? Do I really believe that He will continue to love me? What other relationship would ever take president? Who would I rather spend time with? Is there something better out there? I must think there is...my actions show that I do...I must think that control, money, pleasure, a relationship will be better...
God please save me from this malaise. I don't want to live slowly dying. I want to believe that You are in reality, God, who can do great things. You are good and You want to bless me extravagantly. A life lived trusting You is joy, peace, hope and full of love. I want to be so overwhelmed by Your presence that everything else is a blur and there is never a moment when You are not at the forefront of my mind. I long to measure things by there nearness to You; Your presence being so sacred that everything else fades away.
You can grow faith in me. You who bought me back and wooed me into the holy of holies. You can light up my soul with Your love.