But a Beggar

I walked the darkened mountain paths
I cried out to the Unseen God
Speaking in anguish
Acknowledging the truth that has finally come home

I am but a beggar
I have nothing to give
There is not one thing that is my own
I look upon the meager things I have wrought
I despair for they are more than worthless and foul

I can but cry out for mercy
Why anyone would want me, I cannot comprehend
Whatever has befallen my touch has been corrupted
Completely empty is my store house
There is but sorrow and shame to share
My state is utterly helpless
I am nothing

A cold wind blew as I stood alone in shame
The wind carried a song sung long ago by the afflicted
“He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from
their destruction”

The Unseen God reminded me of His unchanging word
His unfailing faithfulness and never ending compassion
He asked that I but cried out to Him
I am but to fall at His mercy and He promised me renewed hope

I cried with all my heart and He met me there
I am a beggar
I am redeemed
I have everything I need

Lost and Wandering

I’ve been wandering around lost in the recesses of my mind. Bogged down by a mire of lies that have developed over years of misinformation and bad choices. Its been a week of bad choices and believing those lies. I let myself slip into the old fog where confusion and chaos rule. No clarity, no foundation, slowly losing hope, slowly dying.

I don’t mean to be dramatic or negative in any way, but I do want to be clear. I feel like I was floundering and the reason why begins with my choice not to trust and to take control over my life. Life! As if I can have life when I’m in control. When I step back and look at my futile attempts to control my life I have to laugh. I know so little, I control even less, and when I try to control I end up lost and wandering. What drives it all is that innate desire for love and acceptance, which I think I can find on my own. True love only comes from one place. The place that I have been running from this week.

I see now the irony. I want love so badly, but I’m running from the only person who can give me what I want. I’m looking in all the wrong places. So my life becomes an endless pursuit of something that does not exist here. Looking everywhere, finding only disappointment after endless disappointment, because nothing satisfies, nothing fills, nothing is perfect. Yet the mind plays tricks, ‘the next one will be the one.’

Eventually I get tired of searching, and I give up, saying, ‘I will just be alone.’ Stop yearning and maybe the pain will go away. It will numb and fade, but I will die. I’ve followed that road many times and I have only just broken free from those chains. Despair becomes your only friend, and there is room for no one else, only misery and self-pity.

Hope has begun to break through the chaos. There is a foundation of truth and love that I can stand on. It boils down to relationship, but not the kind of relationship that I keep seeking after. A true love relationship, where the other person is always put first. My Father wants me to love Him. This isn’t selfishness on His part because He already loves me so much more than I could possibly ever love Him. This is the only true love and this is the model and foundation for every other relationship. In reality I can only love Him because He loved me first. As I engage in this relationship, receive the love, it compels me to love, and not only my Father but all those around me as well. Now I have something to give. I am no longer empty, lost and wandering, but full of life. I have purpose and love is at the center of it all. Love is true life!

If worrying actually caused warts I would be a wart hog

Is life complicated? I feel like it is very, very complicated most of the time. There is always so much going on around me. So much to think about and figure out and mostly to worry about. I often feel overwhelmed and want to give up, but mostly I just worry about everything some more. So maybe my life isn't so much complicated but worrisome? Not sure if I'm using that word correctly, but you get the idea. I also don't think I'm alone in this. I think its in human nature to want to be in control and when we aren't in control (which is all the time) we start to worry. Or maybe I'm just projecting?

The point of this post isn't to ramble on about my problem with worrying, so I'll get on with it and explain what God has (ever so gently) been explaining to me.

One of the things I worry about is my job (here I go again). I feel like no matter what I do, how good an employee I am, I could still be let go at any minute. There is just no stability in the company I work for, and it seems like my job depends mostly on whether my boss is feeling good today or not. This is completely out of my control, but I spend a lot of time thinking and mostly worrying about it. This is just one of many situations that I feel is on the verge of stomach ulcer status. Sad I know, but I can't help...or can I?

God has been showing me that my worries are simply a lack of trust in Him and His faithfulness. Simple truth, but when you unpack it, it has very large implications. If God is good (He certainly is) and He cares about me (which He does) then I need not worry about any situation I find myself in. Its so simple really (I need simple). I can trust God, He will give me whats best for me and He is always faithful.

So often I feel like I have to figure everything out and break it down, and it has to be completed, resolved...perfect. There is no room for imperfection, for stretching and growing and slowly being shaped by loving hands. Often I forget that the hands are there and I feel like I have to do this on my own. I guess that's the point I'm trying to make, I need to trust the hands that are guiding me. He knows, He cares and He will give me what I need in ever situation. I don't have to have it all together, only trust Him now, in this situation right now.

He is here with me, He loves me, He is good; why shouldn't I trust Him...there is hope!