Lost and Wandering

I’ve been wandering around lost in the recesses of my mind. Bogged down by a mire of lies that have developed over years of misinformation and bad choices. Its been a week of bad choices and believing those lies. I let myself slip into the old fog where confusion and chaos rule. No clarity, no foundation, slowly losing hope, slowly dying.

I don’t mean to be dramatic or negative in any way, but I do want to be clear. I feel like I was floundering and the reason why begins with my choice not to trust and to take control over my life. Life! As if I can have life when I’m in control. When I step back and look at my futile attempts to control my life I have to laugh. I know so little, I control even less, and when I try to control I end up lost and wandering. What drives it all is that innate desire for love and acceptance, which I think I can find on my own. True love only comes from one place. The place that I have been running from this week.

I see now the irony. I want love so badly, but I’m running from the only person who can give me what I want. I’m looking in all the wrong places. So my life becomes an endless pursuit of something that does not exist here. Looking everywhere, finding only disappointment after endless disappointment, because nothing satisfies, nothing fills, nothing is perfect. Yet the mind plays tricks, ‘the next one will be the one.’

Eventually I get tired of searching, and I give up, saying, ‘I will just be alone.’ Stop yearning and maybe the pain will go away. It will numb and fade, but I will die. I’ve followed that road many times and I have only just broken free from those chains. Despair becomes your only friend, and there is room for no one else, only misery and self-pity.

Hope has begun to break through the chaos. There is a foundation of truth and love that I can stand on. It boils down to relationship, but not the kind of relationship that I keep seeking after. A true love relationship, where the other person is always put first. My Father wants me to love Him. This isn’t selfishness on His part because He already loves me so much more than I could possibly ever love Him. This is the only true love and this is the model and foundation for every other relationship. In reality I can only love Him because He loved me first. As I engage in this relationship, receive the love, it compels me to love, and not only my Father but all those around me as well. Now I have something to give. I am no longer empty, lost and wandering, but full of life. I have purpose and love is at the center of it all. Love is true life!